Genotype Questionnaire

Sorry I didn't get a chance to post this last night, but here it is!  If you mark three or more in one category, then more than  likely that's your genotype. 

Genotype: Carb-sensitive

•   If you start your day with toast, cereal or other high-carb foods, you tend to feel hungry within two hours- and you're prone to overeat throughout the rest of the day
• You feel irritable, anxious, light-headed or shaky if you miss a meal
• You get a burst of energy from soda, cookies and other sweets, but experience an energy crash within 30 minutes of consumption
• your skin tends to look doughy or puffy after eating a lot of carbs
• You have a history of pre-diabetes, metabolic syndrome or type two diabetes.

Genotype: Fat-sensitive

• You often suffer from low energy, lack of motivation and/or blue moods
• You tend to overeat when you feel sad, bored or stressed - regardless of whether you are actually hungry
• Eating fried or fatty foods makes you feel queasy, yet intense cravings drive you to eat more
• You are often truck by digestive upset like bloat, heartburn or indigestion
• You struggle with frequent aches and pains

**If you checked only one or two in each category, you may be among the 15% of women who don't have the markers for carb sensitivity or slow fat metabolism.  For these women, any weight loss programs that fits easily into their lifestyle should work.**

Sensitive Much?

So, I can officially say that I've had 1.5 fantastic(!) eating days in a row!  Yesterday and so far today (hence the 0.5 of a day) I've kept my eating to the absolute best!  I'm actually pretty impressed with myself!  Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal and skim milk with an apple for breakfast, a turkey and cheese sandwich (on whole wheat), a chocolate pudding and grapes for lunch, then I had a normal serving of pasta for supper.  I didn't snack at all last night and I drank a ton of water!  For breakfast I did the same thing today, and I had a ham and cheese sandwich with a vanilla pudding and grapes for lunch.  I'm not sure what I'm going to do about supper though.

I went to see my doctor last week thinking he may have a few tips to help me lose weight (with no surgery, prescriptions or pills).  I was actually really surprised with what he told me.  He mentioned that it's been a theory for a while that people may be genetically programmed to lose/gain weight a specific way.  The studies are currently being verified, but he gave me the main points.

• Two genetic profiles- Carbohydrate Sensitive and Fat Sensitive.
• Fat Sensitive people are more likely to gain or lose weight based on the amount of fat grams they consume daily.
• Carbohydrate Sensitive people are more likely to gain or lose weight based on the amount of carbohydrate grams they consume daily.
• A fat sensitive person should limit their fat intake to about 30-35g a day (about 15% of your daily calorie intake, on a 2000 cal/day lifestyle), while eating about 300g (or 60% of your daily calorie intake) in healthy (whole wheat and complex) carbohydrates and the last 25% in healthy, low fat proteins such as turkey, chicken and fish.
• A carb sensitive person should limit their carb intake to about 150-180g of carbs a day (about 30% of your daily calorie intake, on a 2000 cal/day lifestyle), while eating about 35-40g of fat (or 20% of your daily calorie intake) and eating about 50% in lean protein.
• Note that no matter which genetic type you fall into, that 10% or less of your fat calories should come from saturated fat.
• Fat Sensitive people who restrict their calorie intake to under 200g/day can feel tired, nauseous, light headed and will feel hungry all the time.
• Carbohydrate Sensitive people who eat too many carbohydrates will feel sluggish, full to the point of being sick, tired, no energy and light headed.

There is a genetic test you can do that can tell you for sure which type you fall into, but it costs $160.  There is a questionnaire that you can do that will give you a better idea though, I'm going to attach it tonight, because I don't have it with me. 

I am Fat Sensitive

My doctor mentioned that this may be why I didn't succeed at losing weight while I was on Dr. Bernstein or Dr. Atkins.  Since both those diets restrict carbohydrates it may have actually hindered my weight loss ability because I was so hungry all the time.  I was constantly tired and always head achy.  For the last two days I've done what my doctor suggested, I've limited my fat intake to about 25-30g a day (about 15% in a 1600 cal/day lifestyle) and I've been eating about 250g complex carbs a day.  It seems to be working really well so far.  I feel full after eating my meals, I haven't been snacking and I have a lot more energy than I have had in awhile.  I'm excited to see if this helps me have more control over my weight loss.

I'll post the questionnaire later tonight!

xoxo

Mossy Protection

What a weekend!  We started it off  by deciding to clean out our backyard...Yay.  Fun.  We literally (no joke) had weeds that were four feet tall in our backyard.  I'm not talking about 2-5 weeds that may be overgrown, I'm talking about my entire backyard.  Covered. In. Giant. Weeds.  People may think I'm exaggerating (I don't know why though...I never do that...) but I'm not, seriously.  It took us two hours to trim them down.  Our next job; finding a weed killer that a) works and b) is somewhat environmentally friendly.  It's actually quite hard to find a weed killer that does both!  After finishing our backyard Laura came over with the kiddies for a bit and we headed to Walmart to get Lilly a birthday gift.  Saturday night we decided to go to the Port Elmsley Drive-In theatre.  They were playing Despicable Me and The Last Airbender.  Before the movie started we noticed that there were a bunch of people duck taping (literally) mosquito nets over their car windows.  Lacey and I spend a great deal of time making fun of them.  Like really, how bad could the mossy's (see how I threw a little bit of Aussy in there?) get?  Answer: B-A-D.  Like, really bad.  Like, Alexis was crying bad.  Like, we decided we'd rather sit in the sweaty car with the windows rolled up, rather than outside bad.  Like, well...you get it.  We ended up only staying for the first movie, then ripped out of there with our windows open and air conditioning on, as soon as it was over!  We've all decided that the investment of mosquito nets is well worth the money.

Sunday we woke up nice and early (mainly due to the itching of 900 combined mosquito bites on us.  We headed to Lilly's party at 11.  I had a great time with my favourite neighbourhood ladies.  After the party Lacey and Adam came over and we went to Ikea with Laura.  I got a cheese grater.  Lacey cut Jeff's hair last night.  Thank.  The.  Lord.  My God, it was worse than our backyard! :)  We finished yesterday off with a bit of Operation Repo and Last Holiday, then hit the sack!

I ate pretty well this weekend!  I didn't even eat that badly at the movies on Saturday!  I think the worst I ate was last night, when I decided to eat 4 (count 'em F-O-U-R) chocolate chip cookies.  My reasoning; I have none! :(  I was eating them and thinking...I'm not hungry, I'm not angry/sad, I'm not craving them, I don't even really like them... By the time I finished my thought process, I had eaten four.  Hey!  At least I stopped, right?

P.S.  I started a new blog (because I'm not busy enough) about travelling!  Check it out if you get the chance!  http://vermettesaroundtheworld.blogspot.com/ (you could also probably follow me... ;) lol)

xoxo

Friday Weigh-In and Life Tips

Starting Weight: 280lbs
Today's Weight: 276lbs
Weight Lost: 4lbs

**Warning: Bad words used ahead**
Life Tips
Don't - Go out to dinner with your sister and mother while they are in the midst of bitching arguing with each other. For some reason the food doesn't settle well.
Don't - Ever tell your sister that you ate a BLT on a bagel for lunch with cheddar cheese (oh, can you still read that?) because she will have a ton to say about it - none of it good.
Don't - Say your going to walk every night that week, then don't because 'it's too hot' or 'it looks like it might rain'.
Don't - Eat greasy pub food before going out for a forty-five minute walk with your dog...because you will have to run home in the middle of it to use the washroom.
Don't - Ever try to stop a fight between two bitchy women. They'll just turn on you.

So I didn't quite reach my goal of 5lbs, but I'm pretty happy with what I did accomplish this week. My goal for next week is to lose 5lbs. Hopefully I can do it, if not a bit more, to make up for the 1lb I was short this week. We'll see though. 6lbs in a weeks will be tough for sure, and I don't want to pressure myself to the point where I'm just gonna say 'eff it' and quit again. I'll keep you posted!

**As a side note, I would like to mention that I found Alexis under my bed yesterday morning. When I asked her why, on earth, was she under our bed at 6:30 in the morning, she very seriously replied "I was awake, and I was bored. I also have no money mom, so I thought I would look for pennies."**

Bathing Suits and Water Slides

Happy Birthday to Nat!! Sis=21!

What a weekend! Friday night Lacey and Adam came over for a BBQ dinner. They made homemade hamburgers (regular and mini) and brought the buns. Jeff and I provided the Caesar salad, curly fries and banana cream pie. It was so delicious! We were all stuffed afterward so we just relaxed on the couch watched a bit of TV. Saturday morning we took off to Mont Cascade. We met a bunch of friends down there and had a great day in the water. We got home around 7:30, and I fell asleep on the couch until about 9, when I crawled upstairs to bed. Yesterday we did a bit of grocery shopping and present buying (for an unnamed sister), then had an early dinner of sausages on the BBQ and scalped potato's.

I weighed myself this morning and it turns out I've lost 2lbs this weekend! Woot! So, my plan is to lose another 3lbs during this week to make it 5lbs by Friday. I'm hoping I didn't make this months goal too big. When I look at it now, 5lbs a week for the next three weeks seems like a lot. I'm not giving up yet though! I really would like to lose at least 35lbs before we head to St. Lucia in October. If I can lose the 15lbs this month, then another 10 each in August and September, then I will have accomplished my goal!

Last Thursday we went to my aunt's for a swim and dinner, and I had to wear my bathing suit. :S Totally re-affirmed my goal to lose this weight! At Mont Cascades on Saturday I was super uncomfortable in my bathing suit. I wore my black one piece because I figured I'd be more comfortable going down the slides and walking around without have to keep pulling down my top or pulling up my bottoms. I was still really uncomfortable just walking around in my bathing suit (I have never, in my life, walked around without a cover up on), but I tried really hard to pretend it didn't bother me. First of all, if I acted like I cared what I looked like in a bathing suit Tracy (one of the friends we went with) would have bitten my head off! She's one of those people who is totally confident in how she looks and forces everyone else to be as well. She is also one of those amazing people who truly love you for who you are.

To reach my 3lb goal by Friday, I plan on walking every night this week for at least half an hour. It'll do us all good to get the family out and about. I also plan on not eating anything past 7pm. I need to make sure I drink a full 8 glasses of water each day. I've slowed down on my water drinking lately for some reason, but that will have to change. There will be no eating out this week at work! I definitely need to remember to bring my lunch everyday. I also need to start eating breakfast again. I've got some whole grain bread here that I'm planning on eating with some peanut butter and jam, along with a banana or orange and a glass of milk for breakfast. I also need to make sure I eat dinner at the proper time to guarantee that I won't be starving at 7:30pm.

So, that's my plan for the week!

I would also like to send a HUGE shout out to my cousin Melissa who had the guts to post a picture of herself in a bathing suit on her blog! She looks A-frigging-mazing! Congrats to her on her weight loss!

xoxo

Friday Weigh-In

Weigh In: 280lbs.

I haven't lost anything since Tuesday. I didn't really expect to though. It's going to be a busy weekend!

Have a great one!

Southern Comfort

I am getting so excited about going to St. Lucia in October!! For those of you who don't know me well, I'm a planner. Unlike my sister Nat, who can jet off to Africa for four months with next to no plans, I need to be an expert on where I'm going. I haven't even been to St. Lucia and I'm already answering other peoples questions on the St. Lucia forum on Trip Advisor. We've still got three months before we go, but I've already picked out which restaurants we should eat at, which day trips we should go on, who the good cab drivers are and where the best snorkeling is.
I'm pretty sure this need to make sure everything goes perfect comes from my OCD, but it doesn't really bother me when it comes to planning trips. We went to Disney last October and pretty much had the best vacation ever. Why? Because I spent 6 months reading The Unofficial Guide to Disney 3 times. I spent at least an hour a day researching the best hotels, restaurants, parks, shopping malls etc. I spent hours talking on forums and getting all the info I needed for Orlando. In return for all the hard work I did, we never waited in a single line at Disney, never ate at a bad restaurant, never spent an exorbitant amount of money on something I could get for half price somewhere else and we kept a journal to make sure we remembered the whole trip!
The advice you can get from others is invaluable. These people aren't paid to write reviews for books or magazines or Disney; and therefore aren't biased on what they say.
From the great advice I got on the St. Lucia forum on Trip Advisor Jeff and I have decided on the following day trips while in St. Lucia.

Serenity Tours: Helicopter Flight from airport to Marigot Bay (where our bed and breakfast is located)
Serenity Tours: Land and Sea Tour St. Lucia (We get to visit the banana plantations, the Governor's house, Castries (capital city), Sourfrieres and the volcano's, lounge in the mud baths, swim in the healing sulphur springs, swim at Diamond waterfall, snorkel at the base of the Pitons and catamaran back to Marigot Bay, while drinking rum punch and Piton beer!)
Serenity Tours: The Magic of the Grenadines (we fly from St. Lucia (in an eight seat airplane), over St. Vincent and to the Grenadines Islands. We take a catamaran and visit Union Island, Palm Island, Mayreau Island and Tobago Cays. We swim, snorkel and relax at each island, then fly back to St. Lucia at sunset)
Scuba Steve: 5 hour snorkeling trip in the south end of St. Lucia. We visit Anse Chastanet, Piton Wall, Superman's Flight, Devil's Hole, Turtle Reef and Coral Garden's.
Serenity Tours: Kayaking tour from Rodney Bay to Pigeon Island. Snorkel at Pigeon Island for two hours, then Kayak back to Rodney Bay.

All these tours come highly recommended by everyone on Trip Advisor. I'm definitely most excited about the Grenadines trip! How cool is it that they fly you from Island to Island then take you on an all inclusive boat trip for the day? Pretty cool!

Anyhow, I thought I'd write something a little lighter today! My next post is going to be a breakdown on how I'm going to reach my new goal! Friday will be my weigh-in day again!

Long Time, No See.

Hello All! So, It's clearly been a while since I've taken the time to write a blog! I would love to tell you it's because I've been too busy or too tired...but the truth is, I did what I normally do; I gave up. In case you haven't figured it out..I give up way too easily! I can be a quitter. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth. When things get tough, I run. It's hard admitting to people you barely know that you can't control your weight..it's even harder to admit it to the people your close too. I try really hard not to be embarrassed about my weight and to stay positive...but sometimes I get into this slump, (like from May to July), where I don't want to talk about or think about weight, let alone try to lose it.

A couple of things have kicked me into gear this month. Jeff and I just booked our 1st anniversary trip to St. Lucia! There would be nothing worse for me than to look worse (read bigger) than I did on my wedding day. I also realized that maybe I wasn't being very reasonable with my weight loss goals. It's probably not reasonable to lose 20lbs a month and keep it off...you think I'd learn.

My newest (more reasonable) goals are as follows:

• Starting Weight - Back up to 280
• Goal #1 - August 1st, 2010 : 265 (15lbs should be pretty easy since I'm 'Jump Starting" my metabolism)
• Goal #2 - September 1st, 2010: 255 (10 more lbs)
• Goal #3 - October 1st, 2010 : 245 (10lbs)
• Goal #4 - January 1st, 2011 : 230(15lbs in 3 months...worst months for eating)
• Goal #5 - March 1st, 2011 : 215 (15lbs in 2 months)
• Goal #6 - May 1st, 2011 : 200 (15 lbs in 2 months)
• Goal #7 - July 1st, 2011 : 180 (20lbs in 2 months to make it 100lbs in 1 year)
• Goal #8 - October 1st, 2011 : 160 (20 lbs in 3 months, will have lost (*fingers crossed*) 120lbs by my second wedding anniversary)
• Goal #9 - January 1st, 2012 : 145 (15lbs in 3 months...Anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years....eek!)
• Goal #10 - April 1st, 2012 : 130 (15lbs in 3 months...hopefully the last 15lbs I'll ever have to lose!)

If all goes well, then by the summer of 2012 I just might be wearing a bikini! :0) God, just looking at all the goals and how long it will take me to complete them is so frustrating. Just under two years. Two years feels like forever!! The only thing that's keeping me from being overwhelmed is that two years is nothing compared to the last 14 years of dieting and what could be the next 50 years of my life being overweight.

So off I go, on my way to completing goal #1! I promise I'll keep you all updated!

xoxo

xox

Friday Weigh-In

So I gained half a pound this week. I kinda knew that was coming since I ate horribly this week. I'm actually surprised it's not more, like I said, I was not prepared for my meals this week at all. I'm going grocery shopping this weekend to ensure that it doesn't happen again next week. I also skipped out on my walks this week. Things have been really stressful at work, and by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. Next week there will be no excuses, I will walk every night. I also need to keep up with my postings, because I really haven't been doing that great, and I find if I slack on this then I don't have anyone/thing to be accountable too. I'm so happy it's Friday, I have such a good weekend planned. This weekend is going to be all about eating well, and taking care of my body. I'm going to plant a small fruit/veggie garden in my yard. I want to plant carrots, beans, tomatoes, blueberries, raspberries and watermelon. I hope you all have a great weekend! It's supposed to be beautiful! xoxo

Unprepared = Unsuccessful

So this week hasn't been the greatest week food wise. I've been so busy and rushed that I really haven't had time to sit down for even one real meal. I've been eating little bits here and there, snacking really. Monday night, since I didn't have time this weekend, I decided to clean my house. By the time I was done it was well past supper, so I grabbed some crackers and ate them with cheese and peanut butter. Not bad calorie wise, but it was at 9pm, and it wasn't very filling at all. Tuesday morning I was so rushed at work I skipped breakfast, by lunch I was dying of starvation so I ate some of Mike's Chinese food (awful choice). Tuesday evening I went to Renfew with my Aunt Mary, my cousin Shannon and a family friend to a breast cancer fashion show fundraiser put on by the Renfrew Ladies Golf Club. It was great, but there was no dinner, just appetizers. I ended up eating a few mini sandwiches, fruit, veggies and cheese. Not filling at all, but by the time we left it was close to 10pm, and I didn't want to eat that late, plus the calories in the sandwiches and cheese were really high. Wednesday morning was again, super busy, so I skipped breakfast and, of course, at lunch I was starving. I had Harvey's for lunch. I know it was a huge mistake, but I was unprepared for lunches at work this week, and that's what everyone else was getting. Last night I definitely fell back into my bad habit of "I ate a huge lunch, therefore I'm going to starve myself tonight". That, of course, didn't work and I ended up eating pizza at 9pm.
All in all my eating this week has been horrible. If I don't gain any weight tomorrow morning I'll be thrilled. My goal for the next week is to be prepared for my meals! I need to go out and get more healthy lunch food and some quick, healthy and easy breakfasts and suppers. It makes a huge difference when your prepared for your meals. Last week I was totally prepared and I did really well. I need to get back into that groove.
Anyway, I got a pretty relaxing weekend planned. I want to do some gardening and finish up our backyard. I need another few bags of crushed stone, and a ton more soil for my beds. Hopefully I can get it all done and then spend the rest of the summer enjoying my lovely gardens and having a ton of barbeque's in the backyard.

Food Inc.

I need to admit to something...
On Friday...
I ate...
Kentucky Fried Chicken... :(
Yuck! Yuck! Double, triple yuck!

Friday night we went over to Nat and Steve's and we all decided to order KFC. Not the smartest choice (no kidding), but it was something we were all craving (except Jeff, he hates KFC). So we decided to get the family deal thing and share it. After eating it, we all felt pretty disgusting. I think I had about a pound of grease on my hands and face. As the night went on, we didn't feel any better. All night I had cramps (so bad that I had a hard time sleeping). I know Steve and Nat felt the same way. Alexis complained of a stomach ache. It was awful. Steve made a comment on Facebook about never eating it again, and someone commented back about taking a look at a documentary called Food Inc. I love documentaries in general, I especially love them when their about a topic that I'm interested in (food). So last night I downloaded Food Inc. (which I think might be illegal, so don't tell anyone), and Jeff and I sat down to watch it.
What a terrifying film. Jeff and I were both enthralled by it. Probably the best documentary I've ever seen. It's insane to think that we don't even know what we're eating. I've read Skinny Bitch which talks a lot about cutting meat and processed food out of your diet, but it's a completely different story when you actually watch what happens to your food. From seed and 'farm' to supermarket, it's not the journey we all imagine. Food Inc. is directed and produced by Robert Kenner. Robert talks about this veil, this curtain that is dropped between the shrink wrapped products in the stores and where it really comes from. Most companies still use these beautiful pictures of farms and farmers, of hand milking cows and of people churning butter by hand, when in reality, it's so far from the truth, it's terrifying. Food Inc. hits on too many issues to go into detail in here, but if you want to visit the website it's posted below. After watching the movie, Jeff and I have decided to make conscious decisions about what we eat, and where we get our food. I started doing some research last night, and came up with a couple of different places in Ottawa where you can buy anti-biotic free and free range meats, pesticide free produce and hormone free dairy. There are actually quite a few. Ottawa has it's very own farmer's market at Landsdown that I didn't even know about. I've attached a bunch of links at the bottom of this blog to better explain the difference between organic and not organic. Even if you don't care about animal rights, I think you probably care about what your eating. Between the pesticides, the antibiotics, the growth hormones and the bacteria, you might want to take a look at what they do to your body. Buying local isn't only going to help out our local farmers and our local economy, but it'll will greatly affect our health.

http://www.foodincmovie.com/ - Food Inc. Movie website
http://www.ottawafarmersmarket.ca/ - Ottawa's Farmer's Market at Landsdown
http://www.stonyfield.com/ - Organic Dairy sold at Walmart (one of the few truly fantastic organic companies.)
http://www.foodrevolution.org/grassfedbeef.htm - explains the problems with corn fed beef.
http://www.polyfacefarms.com/default.aspx - Even though this company is in Virginia, their story is amazing. The amount of work they put into fresh farming is impressive.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kevin's_law - This talks about Kevin's Law (which I'm sure most of you have heard of). Even though it's American, Kevin's Law will most certainly affect Canadian food.
http://theorganicchic.com/blog/tag/kevins-law/ - Blog about Organic Food/Food Inc./Kevin's Law - Fantastic blog!
http://www.farmersmarketsontario.com/index.cfm - Farmer's Market's all over Ontario. Local, fresh products, made close to home.

On average, the consumer feels pretty powerless about what they eat. Most of us feel that we are stuck eating whatever they put in our stores. In reality, the exact opposite is true. Every time we go to a store we vote for organic or not, for pesticide free or not. Walmart has started changing what it's selling because of what their customers have voted for. If we can change a huge conglomerate like Walmart, we can make anything happen. If we as consumers were able to change the tobacco industry, we should be able to do the same for our food. We need to take a stand and demand safe, healthy, fresh food from the beef, dairy, pork and poultry industries.

Friday Weigh-In

Last Weeks Weight: 269 lbs

This Weeks Weight: 267.5 lbs

Weight Lost this Week: 1.5 lbs

Total Weight Loss: 12.5 lbs

Go me! I would have lost more this week but I had a bad eating day yesterday. I skipped breakfast, I had two Pogo's for lunch from the chip stand. I had pasta, Caesar salad and garlic bread from East Side Mario's for dinner, and I had a small popcorn with butter, a diet coke and half a bag of Sour Patch Kids at the movies. I probably should have saved my pig out day for after my weigh-in, but, I'm pretty proud that I lost even after the wonderfully delicious/disgustingly bad for me day yesterday. I'm sorry for the lack of posts this week and the short post today, it's been a busy week! I'll describe it all tomorrow (hopefully). Xoxo.

Part Two: Body Image

Through different stages in my life, I feel differently about losing weight. I've tried to lose weight for many reasons; not all of them good ones.
I've tried to lose weight to make my family happy. I understood, even then, that it was hard on my parents to watch their oldest daughter be teased because of her weight. To see me so unhappy with the way I looked.
I've tried to lose weight to fit into the 'image' of perfection. Skinny=Pretty=Perfection. That was my mantra all through elementary, middle and high school.
This is truly the first time in my life I'm trying to lose weight to be healthy. I'm not going to lie and say it has nothing to do with looking better, because it does. To me, liking the way I look is a large part of being mentally healthy. The thing is, I'm not doing this to be skinny, I'm doing it to be at a healthy weight for my body.
When I look back I realize that I wrapped a lot of my self-worth into my body image. In reality, those two should never mix. If you base your self-worth on how you look, you'll never be happy. You'll always find something wrong somewhere on your body; I'm too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall. I'm too big, too small, too loud, too shy. My hair is too straight, too curly, too short, too long. My clothes are never good enough. I'm never good enough.
It's so sad to think back and realize I wasted so many years trying to be 'perfect', that I never just tried to be me. I know a lot of people go through esteem and body image issues, but I'm just wondering how many people don't really find themselves until later in life, or ever.
At twenty-four years old I have finally figured out who I am. I am Amanda Vermette, nee Cox. I am funny, outgoing and caring. I am not obnoxious, mean or skinny. I am good at writing, telling the world how I feel, exaggerating and being emotional. I am not good at fighting with people (it makes me sick to my stomach). I hate olives and people who hurt others. I love cheese, chocolate, my friends and family. I love that I have the unwavering support of my friends and family. I love that I have the support of everyone of you who reads this blog.
I want to be able to help other young girls from ever having to go through what I went through. I want to teach them that body image and self-esteem and self-worth should never be combined. I want to tell them that they are not defined by what they look like and their worth is not decided by how much their jeans cost. I want to tell them that they are the only ones who can decide what their worth. You are the only one that can decide your worth.

Pink Heels and 'Pony Tails'

I'd like to apologize for not writing out my Part Two yet. I had such an impossibly busy weekend that I barely had time for anything extra. I promise part two will be written in tomorrow's blog!
Like I said, this weekend was crazy! Friday after work we met Nat and Steve at Score's (in Kanata) for lunch. The soup, salad and fruit bar there is amazing! So many choices and the quality was fantastic! When we were done we headed to Costco for a few supplies then back home to pick Alexis up from school. Friday night we went to Nat and Steve's for dinner and to play Pictionary and Phase 10 (card game).
Saturday morning we woke up early and got ready to pick up Jeff's mom, Chris. We had planned a day of lunch and shopping with her. After picking her up we went to Buster's at Lincoln Fields. The food was excellent! We went to Bayshore after so Alexis could go to Build-A-Bear. Chris got her the cutest horse that Alexis named Blue Jeans (of course), and we dressed her up in a jean skirt, a cute flowery top and pink high heels (haha). After a fun afternoon with Chris, we headed out with Lacey and Adam for the night. After dinner we went to their place. We met their Bunny (who has no name), played a couple of games and just hung out.
Sunday was by far the best Sunday ever! We got up early and had the morning to relax. We went for a couple walks, went to Sobey's and did groceries, it was a gorgeous day! Alexis had a birthday party from 2-4pm so after we dropped her off we went with Sam and Ericka to look at a few houses around our place that had open houses. At four we picked up Alexis and came home, where we all sat on the living room floor and made necklaces, earrings and chains out of Alexis' beads.
Such a great weekend, and the weather was beautiful on Sunday. Even though we ate out a lot, I think I did pretty good. Time will tell!

OK, so tomorrow will be Part Two: Body Image

Part One: Self-Esteem

I've decided to do a two part series on self-esteem in young women. I want to mainly concentrate on teenage girls in high school, but I want to talk about younger girls and women my age, as well as older generations.

I'm too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall. I'm too big, too small, too loud, too shy. My hair is too straight, too curly, too short, too long. My clothes are never good enough. I'm never good enough.
Does any of this sound even a little bit familiar? It does to me. In fact, it sounds like a lot of women I know. Everyone goes through periods of time where they feel self conscious or their esteem is a little low, that's a pretty normal feeling, especially when your a teenager. The question is; When does it stop being a 'normal' thing, and start being something parents/teachers/friends should worry about?
Self-esteem is extremely important because it can affect how someone acts, how easily they make friends and how they control their behaviour. Most teenagers have a hard time with their self-esteem because, as they go through puberty, their bodies and the way they think changes. Most teens (and adults) compare themselves to others, whether it be strangers, friends or celebrities. The problem with comparing yourself to others, especially as a teen is that everyone matures differently. Some girls get nervous and uncomfortable about the way they develop, others wish they'd mature sooner. Boys can feel pressure to look like certain celebrities, or to have bigger muscles.
As parents/teachers/family/friends of young girls and teenagers, how do we help them feel better about themselves?
Even though my mental image of myself sucks, I try my best to keep that from Alexis. I only weigh myself if she's out of the room, or downstairs, I try not to use words like fat or skinny in front of her. Jeff and I try to teach her about being healthy, not about being skinny. This morning when she was getting dressed in her room, I looked out of the bathroom and saw that she was standing in front of her mirror, she had her shirt lifted up and was turning from side to side sucking in her stomach. I heard her say "I'm fat". I asked her what she said, and she looked up at me and said "Mom, am I fat?". I was shocked. I've never heard her talk like that before about anyone, let alone herself. I went into her room and sat her down on the bed with me, and this is what I said;
"Alexis, we don't use words like that in this house. Being fat or skinny isn't important. What's important is that your healthy. You eat healthy foods, we go out and exercise everyday. We take walks with Harvey, bike rides with friends and we even go hiking at Barry's. Do you eat healthy? (She said yes) Do you feel healthy and strong? (Yes) Do we go out and get our exercise? (Yes) Then that's all you ever have to worry about. If you take care of your body by exercising, and take care of your brain by eating properly, they will take care of you."
She seemed OK after that, but I'm still shell shocked. I don't know if what I said helped her any, I can only pray, but it made me stop and think about self-esteem and at what age your self-esteem starts being affected by your body-image.

Tomorrow: Part Two - Body Image

Friday Weigh-In
Last Weeks Weight: 272
This Weeks Weight: 269 (3lbs)
Total Weight Loss: 11lbs (woot!)

Etiquette

I've been so happy with my eating lately! Yesterday for lunch I had a toasted turkey and cheese sandwich (whole grain bread, extra lean turkey and low fat cheddar), a delicious salad with light Italian dressing and watermelon. This morning for breakfast I had Kashi Go Lean Crunch mixed with strawberry yogurt and raspberries. I'm really hoping for a big number on the scale this week. It will be my monthly weigh in, and I would like to have lost at least 10lbs. I have a month and a half left to reach my 30lb goal. I feel like maybe I put the bar too high. I know 30lbs is a lot to lose in 2 1/2 months, but I really think at my weight I can do it. This month got kind of screwed up because of Easter, but I'm back on track and on a huge roll! Lunch today will be the same as yesterday, since it was so good. I remember when I was on Dr. B, I was able to have a turkey sandwich once a week. It was my favourite meal. Having a turkey sandwich with cheese and mustard was pretty much all the carbs I was allowed in a day, so I would make sure it was used up good.

I would like to add a little blurb on here about inappropriate use of Facebook.

Things You Should Never Do on Facebook:
1. Share personal drama of any kind. No one wants to hear it.
2. Start personal drama of any kind. No one cares.

That's basically it. No one wants to hear about your fight with your best friend, why your angry with your family or who did what to who. Pretty much anything that's hurtful, going to make someone mad, or going to start anything (with anyone) should stay off Facebook. Talk about it with your friends, if you have no friends to talk about with...then you shouldn't have any friends on Facebook, therefore saving us all the trouble of having to deal with your personal crap.

That is all.

Just a Small Town Girl

Let's start off by saying that I really dislike musicals. All the singing and breakout dancing kills me. Other than 'Summer Lovin' and 'Your the One That I Want' I fast forward through all of Grease's songs. Same with Hairspray, Chicago, etc.
That being said, I absolutely adore Glee. The acting is terrific and the singing is crazy good. There was a lot of hype surrounding the premiere of Glee last fall, so Jeff and I decided to PVR it and take our time watching it. Needless to say we were both hooked after the first episode. I'm the type of person who usually waits for a few seasons of the show to be out on DVD before I even start to watch it because I hate cliffhangers and I hate hate hate waiting. I started watching 24 after the fifth season finished, I started watching House MD just this past year, I started watching Gilmore Girls last year as well, and I have just started watching Prison Break (fantastic!). So clearly it's not common for me to start watching a show before the season is available on DVD, but for some reason, Glee gets to me.
I'm so wrapped up in the Puck/Quinn/Finn baby drama, the Finn/Rachel romance, the Mr. Shue/Terri/Emma love triangle and of course, How Sue C's it. I'm a Gleekster to the core! Jeff bought me both Cd's for Christmas and the DVD for New Years. I listen to the Cd's all the time in the car; I had to drive home from Oshawa at the beginning of January, it ended up taking me 8 hours because of the traffic and snow, and I all I listened to on the way home was Glee. I sang the female lead in Midnight Train.

"Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train going anywhere
A singer in a smokey room
The smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on..."

I adore that song! I think I sound a lot like Lea Michele (Rachel), Jeff says I sound more like the people they make fun of at American Idol. He's just jealous.

Sexy Smooth Legs

I have decided I am going to get laser hair removal. I am so sick of waxing and shaving my damn legs that I don't even care how much it will cost. I've done some research and per session for the bottom half of your leg is about $150-$200. It all depends on how your leg hairs grow, but most people usually need 4-8 sessions. I did a quick consult and apparently for me, I'll need about 4 sessions and their estimating that I will have paid about $600 per leg by the end of it. I know it sounds like a lot, but when you take into consideration that it's $30 every time you wax (every 4 weeks), or 1 razor every three shaves (once every second day), then you multiply it by the number of years you shave for...that's just as bad.

I get a wax 13 times a year.
13 x 30 = $390 a year to wax

I use a Gillette Venus Embrace razor blades. They cost about $16 for 4 replacement blades ($4/blade).
3 shaves per blade (shaving every second day)

That means I use about 60 blades a year
60 x 4 = $240 a year to shave

In the end laser hair removal is cheaper, more effective and a whole lot less annoying. No ingrown hairs, no razor bumps, no more dry shaving because "I forgot and I have to wear a dress tonight". Imagine the freedom!

I know this post has absolutely nothing to do with my physical health, but it has a lot to do with my mental health. I'm a firm believer that it's what inside that counts, but I also fully believe that when I look good on the outside, I feel phenomenal on the inside. When I dress up, curl my hair and do my makeup, I know I walk with a bounce in my step. I stand up straighter, hold my head higher and I smile at everyone. Sexy smooth legs are just what I need. Hopefully I can start soon! I'll keep you posted.

Parties and Pictionary

What a weekend! Once again, I had almost no time to myself, and absolutely no time to blog. :( This week I promise I will get back on track with my blogging!
Friday was Alexis' birthday and we decided to take her out for supper at our personal favourite, Wild Wings. Joined by Lacey, Adam, Nat, Steve and their kids, we had a delicious supper and lots of laughter. We had to head home early to get the house ready for her birthday BBQ that we were having on Saturday morning.
We got up early Saturday to finish the decorations and to get the food out and ready before everyone arrived. The party went beautifully! We had 30 of our closest friends and family there and everyone seemed to have a great time. We had lots of fruit and vegetables, hot dogs and hamburgers, a beautiful fruit basket that Kristy made (even though she couldn't be there), and a ton of other food. Instead of a cake Alexis wanted the same cupcakes that Jeff and I had gotten for our wedding at Isobel's. Everything was delicious, everything went off without a hitch and we all had a great time. Saturday night we went to Nat and Steve's with Lacey and Adam, Ray and Wendy to play Pictionary. I had such a blast! Call me a nerd, but Pictionary is so much fun! We played guys against girls. We won the first game and the guys got us in the second and third. Saturday was a looooong day and even longer night, but totally worth it.
Yesterday we went out for Ray's birthday to Tucker's. The reservations were at five, but we all decided to go earlier and walk around (and shop in) the market for a bit. I ended up with a lovely ring and bracelet. Tucker's was great. The food was delicious and the company, as always, was fantastic.
I'm actually very excited to weigh myself this week. I know I ate well this weekend, we did quite a bit of walking, and I felt like I was constantly running around. I feel good.
I totally forgot to mention that I woke up Sunday with absolutely no voice! It turns out it's laryngitis. I feel fine, I just can't talk...at all. Mike says he's happy cause now he'll have a quiet day at work without me pestering him. I say, eff him! :) Anyways, it's supposed to be nice weather this week, a little cool but beautiful, so I'm planning on taking quite a few walks!

Friday Weigh-In

I don't have a lot of time today to write my blog, but today was weigh in day...!

This Week: 272 lbs
Lost this week: 1 lb
Total weight loss: 8 lbs

So I was hoping for more, since it was more than a full week, but I know that Easter screwed me up a little. All in all, I lost weight. That's what counts! Sorry for the shortest blog ever! Busy day!

xoxo

Buns, Butter and Cheese...Oh My!

I've decided that I'm going to weigh myself every Friday from now on. I don't like worrying about my weight all weekend, and I definitely tend to eat my best during the week. I forgot to weigh myself yesterday, and today is Wednesday, so what's two more days?
Yesterday definitely wasn't a good eating day for me. I ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Between doctor's appointments, meeting the new daycare, running back and forth from work and missing breakfast, by lunch I was starving. I decided to pick up some whole wheat buns and some lunch meat at the grocery store, and have that with some cheese back at work. Well, when I got to the store, they had no whole wheat buns and no extra lean turkey. Being the super intelligent person that I am, I decided to grab a few white buns and some salami type meat (super bad for me) instead. I got back to work and ate two buns with butter, cheese and the salami stuff. Of course, after eating it, I felt disgusting and nauseous. Since I didn't eat lunch until 2pm, I definitely wasn't hungry for supper at 6:00pm, so I decided to take a walk with Nat and skip supper (in hopes of making up for the 843 calorie lunch).
Seriously, you think I'd learn after, what?...14 years of doing this...that skipping a meal IS NOT GOOD.
So of course, after an hour and a half walk, I was starving for something, so I decided to order a veggie pizza. After eating my 600 calorie's worth of pizza, I was ready for bed.
Today is going to be a better day! I believe I will be eating a deliciously healthy 6-inch sub from Subway for lunch. Supper is going to be harder since we have a ton of running around to do, so we will probably be eating out. I'm going to do my best to keep my supper healthy and low in calories, I'll let you know how it turns out.

Easter - My Style

I can't believe that I missed two whole posts! I was doing so well at not missing a day...and then Easter happened. Did anyone else feel like it felt more like the May 2-4 then April 1st? What ridiculously gorgeous weather for a long weekend! Friday night poker turned into a very large party, with a ton of great friends! After a late night and an even later start to the morning, we got up Saturday ready to get some work done in our backyard. Five people, eight hours, $500 and ten thousand pounds of crushed rock later, our backyard is gorgeous! Thanks to the help of Sam and Ericka, we managed to finish almost all our backyard in one day.
The girls had brought two huge packages of boneless, skinless chicken breasts, so we did them up on the BBQ with garlic roasted potatoes, mushrooms and onions. Lacey and Adam came over and we broke out the BBQ and had a fantastic dinner. Sam even made a honey apple crumble pie for dessert (haha). Exhausted (and oh so sore) we got ready for the Easter Bunny and went to bed.
Sunday was a beautiful day. The Easter Bunny had left tons of toys and some chocolate for Alexis, the weather was gorgeous and we had a BBQ at my mom's for dinner. We finished up our backyard, took out Alexis' bike and headed to moms for a terrific dinner of steaks, baked potatoes, fresh strawberries, tuna macaroni salad, grapes, corn and a few beer. After walking off the food we went home for a relaxing night watching movies and catching up on my reading. Unfortunately today Jeff had to work, so it ended up being a very girlie day. Alexis and I woke up late, had Honeycomb cereal for breakfast, went shopping, had Wendy's for lunch, went shopping some more, then headed home to relax for a bit before Sam came over. I bought two gorgeous pairs of shoes, two necklaces, a bracelet, a pair of earrings, four pairs of pants, two tops and a jacket. I love them all. I know I should have waited for the pants, but I bought them a little small in hopes they'll last me through the summer. It is so hard for me to find clothes I like, and I was just so happy they all looked good on me...and my bum.
On a little side note here...why does everyone assume that because you've got a bigger waist, you must also have an enormous ass? This is not the case with me. I've got this tiny little bum that never fits right in pants.
Sam got here around 1:30 and we all decided to play Toy Story Mania on Wii. After kicking butt on that for awhile, we got a message from Nat and Steve saying they were back from their Easter weekend at Nat's mom's, and did we want to come over for a bit? I didn't have to pick up Jeff from work until 4, so we headed over there for an hour to chat. After picking up Jeff we went to Jay and Jenny's for (yet another) Easter dinner of turkey and ham. It was delicious.
After finally making it back home, and after Lacey and Adam stopped in to show us Adam's new Subaru, here we are. I'm sitting in front of my laptop, writing my blog. I am probably at least 2lbs heavier then I was on Thursday, and I feel pretty damn good. I know I ate too much this weekend. I also know that I really did to a ton of exercise to counteract the extra food. We went for countless walks and we spent the whole day working on the backyard on Saturday. I'm pretty sure that if I didn't gain any weight, I also didn't lose any this week either. I had such a terrific weekend. From Thursday night right up until 9pm tonight, our weekend was filled with our terrific families, our fantastic friends, great times and even greater food. Although this is not exactly unusual for us, it is definitely the first time that I really got to concentrate on our friends and families and not on the food. The food was still a big part of the weekend, but it wasn't the main part. I didn't feel overwhelmed by the food, I didn't feel like the food was controlling what I did. I truly got to concentrate on the people I was with, the things we were doing. I got to be happy without worrying what everyone was thinking about what I ate. I threw it all out their on the table when I started this blog. I no longer worry what people think I weigh, I already told them. I no longer care what people think about what I eat. Everyone I know now knows exactly what I feel and think when I eat. It is the single most liberating thing I've ever done. I am so proud.

Good Friday, Good Food

Today is Good Friday. I'm not a person that believes in religion. Any religion. I believe in a God and I pray to that God. I consider myself a very spiritual person, I just don't belong to one religion. I've read The Bible and The Koran. I've studied Judaism and Buddhism and I get extremely insulted when someone assumes I'm just ignorant. I love conversing about religion with others. I work in customer service so I get to meet tons of different people who believe in many different religions, and I'm always interested in what they say.
Nat (our neighbour) is Anglican, Steve is Orthodox and Tamara, Chloe and Devin are Catholic. The one day a year they don't eat meat was today. Anyone who knows Jeff knows that it's nearly impossible for him to go a single meal without meat, let alone a whole day, but we decided to try.
Nat and Steve had us over for a delicious Brunch this morning. We had homemade crepes, waffles, quiches, whipped cream, fresh fruit, my daddy's maple syrup and delicious homemade blueberry sauce. Steve and Nat made it all with all natural, low fat/calorie, healthy food. It was amazing! I definitely ate too much, but since it was breakfast and lunch put together, I let myself get away with it. After we finished eating we decided to run to Costco in Quebec and pick up some beer for tonight. We are having a little get together at Nat and Steve's. We decided to have veggie pizza for supper before everyone gets here. I love veggie pizza! Such a delicious way to not eat meat.
It was a great day today. It was a Good Friday with good food.

Cold Showers

I don't know how many of you listen to Hot 89.9 in the mornings, but seriously, everyday I kill myself laughing during the morning show. This morning on the way too work, as I was 'busting a gut' I got to thinking about how many calories you could be burning while laughing. Which then got me thinking, how many calories can you burn doing ordinary day to day things. So I compiled a list of fun things you can do on a daily basis to help you burn off a few more calories.

1. Eat spicy food. The heat actually makes you burn 100 calories more.
2. Turn the shower of cold for 20 seconds before you get out. It burns another 100 calories or so.
3. Drink a glass of ice water before working out. It burns another 100 calories.
4. Eat Celery. Celery has a negative caloric intake. You actually burn calories while eating it.
5. Fidget. Tap your foot/fingers/pen. Move around in your seat. Bob to the music. People who fidget actually burn an extra 300 calories more a day then people who don't.
6. Breath through your nose, not your mouth. It regulates your heart beat and ups your endurance.
7. Kiss someone ;)
8. Stand on your tip toes while brushing your teeth.
9. Get enough sleep. Adults who sleep for at least 6 hours a night burn 40% more calories than those who don't.
10. Drink hot green tea (minus the cream/milk/sugar/sweetener) to flush your system and boost your resting metabolism.

Once again, I want to thank everyone for continuing to support me in this journey. I feel like I've been doing this forever, but it hasn't even been three weeks yet.

16 Days Down
432 Days to Go

"I'm So Sick of Black Clothes"

(Title sung to the tune of "I'm So Sick of Love Songs" by Ne-yo)

Black makes you look skinny. Black is slimming. Black is boorrrring! When more than 90% of your entire wardrobe is black, black makes you want to gag! I bought these really cute (black) tights last week thinking that they'd go really well with some pretty tops I have. Well it turns out that every top I have is also black. Seriously, how did I not see this?? I really didn't know that my entire closet was black until last night. I have one gold/beige dress, one turquoise hoodie, a couple of white pieces, a pair of grey tights and a pair of blue jeans...everything else is black! My thing for the summer if to buy as many non-black pieces I can find! I want pretty colours! Deep blues, reds, pretty pinks, sea greens and bright yellows! I have a little bit of extra money set aside, I'm thinking of going on a shopping spree! The only thing about shopping right now is that if everything goes according to plan (**fingers crossed**) then I won't be fitting into many of the clothes for long, and it feels like such a waste to spend hundreds of dollars on clothes I'm only going to wear for a few months.
Yesterday we had fajitas at Nat and Steve's for supper! Yum! So delicious! After Nat and I walked it off with Devin! Well, Devin and I danced it off while Nat pushed the stroller and made fun of me! Off to a good start this week! Beautiful weather, BBQ's, summer's coming! :)

Corporate Jerks

I got up at a normal time this morning, so I had plenty of time to weigh myself...

Starting Weight: 280 lbs
Week 2 Weigh In: 273 lbs
Week 2 Weight Loss: 3 lbs
Total Weight Loss: 7 lbs

I'm not going to lie, I was definitely hoping for a bigger number (I sound like one of those people on The Biggest Loser). Usually when I 'diet' it's to lose at least 4 pounds a week. I know I'm not on a diet, I know that I decided to do this the healthy way this time, but it doesn't stop it from being a little disheartening. This is my problem, if I don't lose like 15lbs in the first two weeks, I want to quit. I know in my head that 7lbs is a good number after two weeks, but in my heart, I was really hoping to lose at least 4lbs this week. If I want to succeed at this, I need to concentrate on the good things. Good things like; I'm not starving myself, I'm not taking pills, I feel better and I'm losing weight. I'm losing weight for the first time in my life by myself, I use 'by myself' loosely, since I really do have a ton of you helping my just by reading my blog, but I'm doing it without paying some skinny corporate jerk, who cares more about my money then if I'm healthy, half my paycheck.


P.S...
I am definitely a nerd! Does anyone else think it's the coolest thing that you can totally change the look of your blog? Because I do! I just spent the last 20 minutes playing with it!

Wish Upon a Clock

I woke up this morning feeling extremely rested. I was thrilled that I had woken up before my alarm clock because that meant I could lay in bed and rest even longer. I laid there thinking how nice it is that the days are getting longer...wait a minute...is it usually this bright at 6:20am? Ohmygoodness! It's not 6:20, it's 7:15. I had 15 minutes to get Alexis downstairs for breakfast...and I had washed my hair last night, which means that I have to blow dry and straighten today. I got Alexis up and told her that it was a competition today to see who could get everything done the fastest. I had to do my make-up, hair, get dressed and make my bed. She had to get dressed, make her bed, and brush her hair. I told her if she won I'd put a red licorice in her lunch. She won. In the rush of the morning I completely forgot to weigh myself. So I promise you, I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and let you know what the verdict of the past week was.
Last night I ended up having more fruit and a spring roll for supper. Definitely not the best, but I wanted to stay under 300 calories, and I didn't get out grocery shopping, so it didn't leave me with a lot of choices. About that whole 'be prepared' thing... I really should listen...

It's 11:11am, make a wish!

For the last 14 years, every time I made a wish, it was to lose weight. Just now, when I made my 11:11 wish, I wished for something different. I wonder what that means. Maybe it's because for the first time in my life, I feel fully in control of my weight. Maybe it's because, for the first time, I don't feel pressure to lose 5lbs every week. I don't have to restrict everything from my diet but chicken breast and lettuce. Whatever the reason is, I'm happy. For the first time, in a long time, I feel like I can have other dreams. I can wish for something else.

Who said anything about OAS?

Today was an incredibly boring and perfect day! We got up late, believe it or not I was the first one up at 10am. We ate a late breakfast (I had whole wheat toast with peanut butter and jam) and played Wii til noon. Since we felt incredibly lazy, we decided to walk to the grocery store and pick up some stuff we needed around the house. We brought Harvey with us so Jeff stayed outside while Alexis and I picked up the stuff. On the way home we stopped at Blockbusters and picked up The Princess and the Frog (Alexis), Couples Retreat (Jeff and I), Stan Helsing (Jeff) and Julie & Julia (moi). We got home and I popped some Smart Pop popcorn while Jeff got the movies ready and Alexis snuck some licorice. Just as we sat down to watch the movie, our doorbell rang and in walked Sean with a gorgeous basket of fruit from him and Kristy. After specifying that the chocolate dipped ones were not for me, Sean left and we sat down and watched The Princess and the Frog. Of course, the first thing Jeff said after Sean left was that since I have OAS I can't eat the fruit (he just wanted them all for himself). I, of course, ignored everything Jeff said and decided that the pain was more than worth the deliciously ripe strawberries, grapes, cantaloupe and pineapple. Between the three of us we came pretty close to finishing off the basket. There's a few strawberries and pineapples left for tomorrow's breakfast and lunch.
It is now time for supper, and I'm definitely a little lost. Jeff wants pizza, Alexis wants ice cream (of course) and I want both. Yesterday I ate pretty well, I had toast for a very late breakfast (12 noon), I skipped lunch since it was so late and went with a frozen yogurt for a snack at 3pm and had chicken strips and spring rolls at Nat and Steve's for supper. The only thing I did yesterday that wasn't very good was that I has some Smart Food and mini chocolate eggs for a snack while watching New Moon. Even with the snacks my calories we're good (1320), but since I snacked yesterday, I don't want to eat bad for dinner tonight. It's 6:07pm, so I better decide soon, since I don't want to eat anything after 7pm.

I also want to take the time today to thank everyone for all their support. I've gotten dozens of emails and FB messages from people giving me their support and ideas. A huge thank you to all of you who've messaged me giving me tips, ideas and words of encouragement. The fact that all of you have taken time out of your busy lives to message me, keeps me motivated. In the long run, it will be these words that will help me stay on track. I will lose the weight and be healthy because I have all of you behind me. Every message, phone call and text you send; every walk you take with me and every time one of you makes me accountable for what I eat, your helping save my life. One day I'll walk into a dressing room, try on a dress and love myself in it...and I will owe you all.

Shoot....supper....

Size 18 or 20?

This past week some people have started noticing my weight loss. First there was my neighbour Bev, who on Thursday morning, asked me if I'd lost any weight. Then there was my sister-in-law, Jenny, who told me I looked great on Thursday evening and then on Friday morning my mom told me that she could already notice the weight loss. Today we ran over to Bayshore to pick up a few things, and I decided to shop around a little. I think I got too excited about everyone noticing my weight loss, because I ended up picking out clothes that I wouldn't normally wear. I picked out a bunch of stuff in my size and a size smaller than I usually wear. Of course, since it's not even been two weeks, I definitely didn't drop a full size, so the clothes we're too tight. Does anyone know how discouraging it is to sit in a change room full of beautiful clothes knowing that none of them fit you? For me, it's probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Knowing I can afford the clothes, knowing how to put an outfit together, but not being able to do it because none of it looks right on my body.
I really hate clothes shopping right now. I think I'll wait at least another month before I try on any more clothes. I feel so good right now, but in reality, there has barely been a change in my body at all, and it's not healthy to dwell on that fact. I need to stay focused on the way I feel, not the way I look right now. I feel good, I feel healthy and I feel like I'm making good changes in my life.

Mini Goals

This week has just flown by...thank goodness!

150lbs is a huge goal to have...it's also a very very distant goal to have. I thought today would be a good day to break down the next year and a bit of my life into smaller goals that are actually within sights. Small obtainable goals will keep me motivated for this long haul.

Start: March 15th, 2010- 280 lbs

by May 31st, 2010 - 250 lbs

by August 30th, 2010 - 220 lbs

by November 1st, 2010 - 200 lbs

by February 14th, 2011- 170 lbs

by April 4th, 2011 - 155 lbs

by June 6th, 2011 - 135 lbs

I also want to make clear that I am doing this the healthy way. If at 150 lbs my body feels comfortable and healthy, then I'll be staying there. I'd like very much to get in between 130-150lbs, I think it's a healthy and safe goal weight for me to be at.

Goal #1: 30lbs gone by May 31st.

OAS-Oral Allergy Syndrome

Yesterday I found out that I have OAS- Oral Allergy Syndrome. OAS usually occurs in older children and adults. It's called OAS because it usually affects the mouth and throat. OAS is an allergic reaction to certain proteins in fruit, vegetables and nuts. Although rarely fatal, it does cause a 'tightening' in the throat, itching, burning and in some cases, hives. Once the foods are heated up, the proteins change and are no longer a problem for allergies.
This means that unless I want hives all over me as well as an itchy throat and mouth, I can't eat fresh fruits and veggies. Any nuts I eat have to be roasted. The longer the fruit and veggies are out, the better they are for me. Banana's have to be extremely ripe and apples have to sit out for a few days before I can eat them.
I feel like this is a huge obstacle in my path. I know it's something I can work around, and I'm thankful it's nothing too serious. I would be lying if I didn't say my first thought was that someone (or something) was trying their best to sabotage my efforts. Lucky for me, my common sense kicked back in and I figured, as long as it doesn't kill me, it'll only make me stronger. I will lose this weight with, or without, the help of fresh fruit and veggies. If I have to bake all my fruit before I eat it, or steam all my veggies, then so be it. I've used enough excuses in my lifetime to know that that's exactly what I was looking for here. I was looking for a reasonable excuse to stop trying to lose weight. An excuse to take the easy way out. An excuse to quit.
Last night Nat and Steve invited us over for dinner (surprise, surprise). Steve had marinated the chicken breast with his own (secret) healthy marinade. They had done mixed veggies steamed on the BBQ and potatoes. The veggies we're amazing! They did zucchini, mushrooms, peppers, onions and bok choy. It was such a good dinner, but after my sweet tooth was aching. I really needed something sweet to kick the craving, but I didn't want to ruin the day by running to DQ. Instead I took a shot glass and filled it with my dad's maple syrup. It was delicious. I felt guilty. Today I looked up the nutritional facts on pure Canadian Maple Syrup:

Maple Syrup has the same 50 cal/tbsp as white cane sugar. However, it also contains significant amounts of potassium, calcium, small amounts of iron and phosphorus, and trace amounts of B-vitamins. It's sodium content is a very low 2mg/tbsp. Maple Syrup can be declared a good source of 3 essential elements - calcium, iron and thiamine.

Last night I had about 150 calories worth of pure sugar delight - along with 18% of my daily Calcium, 15% of my Iron and 18% of my Thiamine .

Go Amanda!

Twenty-Five Percent

Fresh off the success of last week, I ruined my Tuesday by eating Harvey's for lunch. Go me! Tuesday was a bad day. It got off to a bad start, moved to a worse middle and ended on a 'Thank God today is over' note. In my hurried state yesterday morning, I forgot to bring my breakfast and lunch to work. I skipped breakfast altogether, and by lunch I was starving. No excuse because I could have gone to Subway for a 6-inch turkey on whole wheat, but instead I used my starving-ness to eat at Harvey's. Going to Harvey's for lunch and blaming it on my bad day is exactly what I normally do...but since my whole plan is to get out of my comfort zone and make myself healthy, normal, in this case, is bad.

So after a stressful day at work and a horrible, tummy aching lunch, my 'genius' plan was to come home and skip dinner. Of course, by 6:30pm I was starving, so I helped myself to a bowl of Kraft Dinner (completely nutritionally challenged), an apple (not bad) and 1/2 cup of chocolate fondue to dip my apple in (completely negates the apple, and then some). On the bright side, I ate it all before 7:00pm. Amanda's grades for Tuesday March 23rd - 25/100.

I eat when I'm emotional, especially emotionally low. What my body doesn't seem to understand is that after I eat bad foods, I feel worse. After eating 'supper' last night, I had stomach cramps, a headache and I felt tired. My body refused to cooperate with me. Not that my body was 'working at it's prime' last week, but I get what athletes mean when they say they 'eat to fuel their bodies'...my body was not fueled last night!

Energy and Persistence Conquer All Things

Fresh off the success of this past week, I'm feeling pretty good about what I'm doing about my weight. Small, simple changes seem to work the best for me. I made a promise to myself that I would try to get out at least twice this week to walk, as well as to make an effort to move more during the day. I made it out three times to walk, twice I went with Nat, and once with Harvey. I also ran my butt off at the party on Saturday, parked as far away as possible from the stores in the parking lots, and forced myself to climb up and down my stairs at least 5 times each day. The little bit of extra effort I put in seemed to pay off. I didn't make myself sick, I wasn't dizzy, nauseous, starving, making myself throw up or stuffing pills down my throat. I took information that I've known for a long time and put it into everyday use. I didn't restrict everything yummy from my diet. When I snacked, I snacked in moderation and I put in the extra effort to move my body to work off any extra calories. Last week, as you'll recall in a couple of my blogs, I fell off the 'wagon' and snacked on not-so-healthy choices. This has happened to me countless times before, but it's what I did after that was different. After 'screwing up' I didn't give up. I didn't decide that the 'whole week' was ruined and that I'd start again next week/month/season/year. I didn't give up. I didn't give up. I didn't give up. That, right there, is what I'm most proud of out of everything that happened last week. Giving up is what stopped me in the past. Not giving up makes me happy now. Not giving up is what will save my future.

Monday's Eating Journal

Breakfast:
2oz Homemade Guacamole - 100cal
11 Organic Blue Corn Tostitos - 250cal

Lunch:
Weight Watchers Smart Ones Three Cheese Ziti - 320cal
Weight Watchers Strawberry Shortcake - 170cal

Supper:
1 cup Chicken Pad Thai - 380cal
1 small Fat Free Chocolate Yogen Fruz frozen yogurt: 110cal

Total Calories : 1330

Fourteen Years and Counting...

I'm sure I've mentioned before that I've tried just about everything to lose weight. I think today is a good day to purge myself of these failed attempts.

I was ten when I started my first weight loss program. My family thought it would be a good idea if I joined Weight Watchers with my nanny. I joined WW weighing 130lbs. In the first month I lost 8lbs, but my heart just wasn't in it. Even though I didn't like the way I looked, I was too busy thinking about riding my bike and playing with my friends, to really think about losing weight. I was on WW all the way through elementary and middle school. I finally stopped going at the age of 16, when I reached 200lbs. I couldn't bear to face the same people I'd been seeing since I was 10, and have them look at me and think 'she's 70lbs heavier than when she started'. During the time I was on WW I also experimented with anorexia and bulimia. It's hard to imagine 'experimenting' with a disease, but I figured, even though my teachers were telling me it was a bad thing to do, that all the girls in the movies and pictures who had either of the diseases looked beautiful and skinny. I couldn't stick with being an anorexic because I just loved food too much. I would starve myself all day, then I'd get home from school and I would eat until I was sick. That would be where the bulimia came in. I would run to the bathroom and try my hardest to throw up. I never had the nerve to stick my fingers fully down my throat, so I never did more than cough and gag a little. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor in tears because I couldn't make myself throw up. I was disgusted with myself. I remember thinking that I had just eaten about 3000 calories...and now it was stuck in me, there was nothing I could do about it...or was there? I remember having read somewhere that laxatives get rid of the stuff inside you, so maybe if I could get rid of the food fast enough, I wouldn't absorb all the calories. I found some in my parents medicine cabinet. I ended up taking too much of it, and made myself sick. I told my parents I thought it was the flu. I had to skip my WW meeting that night because I was so sick. I was thrilled. It meant that I had another week to try and lose weight.

I eventually stopped trying to starve myself, and started eating 'normally'. Although I didn't gain any weight for about a year, I didn't lose any either. I was in grade 8 when I bought my first diet pills. I had read about them in a magazine of my mom's. The girl in the pictures was gorgeous, and her before picture looked like me. I was so excited because I thought 'this means I could look like that!". The diet pills made me nauseous, dizzy and hyper. I didn't realize at the time, but they we're full of caffeine, which made me extremely jumpy. I couldn't concentrate in class. I lost 8lbs the first week. My family and the people at WW were so happy for me. They thought that I was finally working hard at the program. The problem was, I was barely eating at all. Since the pills made me sick, I never felt like eating. Two weeks later I stopped taking the pills, and in the first week off them, I gained 5lbs.

After I was done with WW, there was L.A. Weight Loss, BMI Clinic, Dr. Phil, endless personal trainers, pills, books and 'magic' weight loss solutions. My mom and I spent tons of money of exercise products, special belts and protein mixes. Then came Dr. Bernstein. I consider this time of my life my 'all-time low'. I joined Dr. B in June 2006. By September I had dropped almost 60lbs. I was thrilled. I had never lost this much weight before, and never in such a short amount of time. The problem was, even though I was happy with the way I looked, I was miserable in every other aspect of my life. My relationship with Jeff sucked because I was miserable all the time. I resented that he could eat whatever he wanted, while I was stuck with chicken breast and broccoli. Although I wasn't necessarily hungry all the time, I did feel extremely deprived. By the end of September I hadn't lost any more weight. I was tired all the time, and I started having gall bladder attacks. I had my mom come get me one night and take me to the hospital because the pain was so bad. They told me that gall stones are common when you lose a large amount of weight in a short period of time. I knew then that I was done with Dr. B, but I didn't want to disappoint my family, especially my mom. So I continued to go to weigh in every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning at 7am. After weighing in on Monday morning I would drive to the closest McDonald's and grab a Sausage and Egg McMuffin deal with orange juice. I would eat it in the car on the way to Tim Horton's, where I would buy a BLT toasted on a bagel with cheddar cheese, and a donut. I would bring that to work and eat it. At lunch I would eat whatever fast food everyone else was eating. Monday night I wouldn't stop eating from the time I got home until the time I went to bed. I would wake up Tuesday morning so sick I couldn't get out of bed. I dreaded the day ahead of me. I had to weight in the next morning, and if I wanted to lose (or at least not gain), that meant I couldn't eat anything on Tuesday's at all. I would drag myself through the day not even letting a drop of water pass my lips. Sometimes I would get so thirsty that I would rub water on my lips, just to taste it. By Tuesday night I could barely move because I was so dehydrated and weak. Wednesday mornings we're torture. I had to get myself up and dressed, make my bed, get Alexis ready, make her bed, feed her breakfast, feed the cat...etc. I could barely move. I remember being dizzy to the point where I had to go down the stairs on my bum because I was too afraid of falling. After weighing in on Wednesday mornings, the day would repeat like Monday's, Thursday's would repeat like Tuesday's, Friday's like Monday's and Wednesday's. Saturday's and Sunday's we're the hardest. I wouldn't eat anything for the whole weekend. Saturday's I allowed myself to drink anything I wanted, but Sunday's nothing passed my lips. I continued this up until December. Eventually I made myself so sick and miserable that Jeff told me if I didn't stop, he was leaving. So I stopped. My first week off Dr. B I gained 11lbs. I started Dr.B at 258lbs. I lost 58lbs before I stopped, and by 2008 I had reached my highest weight ever at 288lbs.

Now that I'm emotionally drained...

On a brighter note, here's the information you've all been 'weighting' to see...drum roll please...
Starting Weight: 280lbs
Week 1 Weigh In: 276lbs
Total Weight Loss: 4lbs

On a side note, I don't want this to seem like I'm bashing every single weight loss program there is. For me, they didn't work. I don't think they'll work for anyone who has an eating disorder.

Mental Health Portion of the Show

You Are Invited
To: Jane's Birthday Party
When: Saturday March 20th
Time: 1:30 - 3:30pm
Where: Playtime for Kids on Merivale


Jane is the daughter of a very good friend of ours, Laura. Jane and Alexis get along great, even though there are two years separating them. Yesterday, along with Jane's party, we also planned a small get together at my sister's place with Lacey and Adam. It turned out Lacey and Adam were town earlier in the day then they thought they would be, so they decided to come along to Jane's party since they know Laura too. After a hurried stop at Toys-R-Us to get Jane's present and a collective wrapping job in the backseat of the car, we were ready to head in. We get past the front desk, take off our shoes and as I'm helping Alexis get her coat off, I look around for Jeff, who is nowhere to be found. The next thing I hear is a bunch of kids screaming Jeff's name. I look up to see Jeff already in the play structure, surrounded by kids, playing. I married a child. After playing in the structure for a bit it was time to get the kids (and Jeff) into the room for food and presents.
I decided that yesterday was going to be a day where I didn't think about what I ate. To go along with the mental health portion of this program, I decided I needed a day to, not eat everything in sight, but to take a break from counting calories and fat. Although my instinct told me to go along with the counting free day, the logical part of me said to stay on track, that it hasn't even been a full week yet. I, whether it was smart or not, decided to go counting free. For breakfast I did very well. I had two slices of whole wheat toast, (about) 1tbsp peanut butter with some strawberry jam, and a cup of skim milk. Pretty close to a perfect breakfast for me. At the party, after eating a lunch consisting of a pogo, some nachos and cheese, a banana and a red Slush Puppy, I felt pretty gross. I decided that if Jeff could get away with being a kid, so could the rest of us. Lacey and I ran into the structure and started playing James Bond. We ran, jumped, avoided crocodiles, rolled through spikes of death, raced down slides and climbed towers. We crawled, crouched, leaped and swung. We had the time of our life! Half the time we we're playing with Jane, who was our teacher, or JJ, who was our fearless leader, but the other half, it was just Lacey and I (joined at times by Jeff, Adam, Nat and Steve) just having fun. By 4 o'clock we had played ourselves out, and we were starving. I left the party exhausted and happier than I've been, after doing exercise, in a long time! After a quick trip to the grocery store, we decided to head to Extreme Pita for lunch. I was seriously craving pizza, so I decided to go with the flat baked pita (on whole wheat) with peperoni, mushrooms, green peppers and mozzarella cheese on it. It was delicious, and totally satisfied my craving for pizza. I had to stop myself from looking at the board that said how many calories that were in it, but today is a new day, and I'll probably look on the website, just to know. We headed out to my sister's around 7pm and with us we brought cheese and crackers, chocolate fondue, bananas, marshmallows, strawberries, organic blue corn Tostitos (for the guacamole Natty made), three bottles of wine, and some beer for the boys. Natty had made guacamole and had bought Smart Food (god help me). Although I didn't count the calories, I do know exactly what I ate. I totally screwed up the chocolate fondue...it was pretty much chunks of chocolate in a bowl with a candle underneath, so no one really had any chocolate. I, myself, ate half the bowl of strawberries, a banana, 5 marshmallows, two glasses of wine and probably a total of 4 cups of Smart Food.
I woke up this morning and my first thought was that I had screwed up my whole week, my second thought was that since I screwed the whole week up, I might as well continue to screw it up today. My third thought was, "God, I'm effed". Instead I got out of bed, went to the washroom, and weighed myself. I know I promised not to, but I knew if I didn't that I would have continued to eat badly today. The scale surprised me. It also made me quite happy. I also know that if I had gotten on the scale and it hadn't been an OK number, I would have either a) eaten like a pig all day and told myself that I'd start again tomorrow, or b) starved myself all day today with the hopes of tomorrows weight being lower. I know my thought process isn't healthy, but I also know that I must be doing something right if I'm actually willing to put this all out there for everyone to see.
Tonight we're taking my uncle out for his birthday. We're going to the buffet at the slots. I am going to stuff my face with vegetables in hopes of avoiding the dessert table. Wish me luck!

Spoonfulls, Scoops and Slices

Four mornings down, three to go before I get to weigh myself again. I've restrained from weighing myself 5-8 times a day (as I usually do) and have decided to weigh myself once a week, on Monday mornings. I've always known it's a destructive habit to weigh yourself more than once a week, let alone 5 times a day, but it was important for me to know what I weighed before and after each meal, and the difference between first thing in the morning and the last thing at night. I used to weigh myself fully clothed and completely naked. I used to obsess bout every 0.1 of pound until it drove me nuts. When I say 'used to', I mean last week.

I ate pretty well yesterday. I had 2 cups watermelon for breakfast (not the best, but better than eating nothing), and I ate a whole wheat English muffin with 1/2 tbsp of light peanut butter and 1/2 oz cheddar cheese for lunch. Then came supper. We decided (along with Nat and Steve) to have a turkey dinner last night. We did a pretty good job at keeping everything healthy. We bought low carb potatoes (only 14g/serving) and whole wheat buns, we mashed turnips and carrots with skim milk, we mashed our potatoes with fat free sour cream and skim milk, we skimmed a ton of extra fat off the gravy and when Steve carved the turkey he took out every piece of skin and fat (much to my disappointment). We didn't change everything though...we still had stuffing (although not cooked inside the turkey), gravy and Steve may have glazed the unmashed carrots and turnips with brown sugar and honey. I filled half my plate with the carrots and turnips (only a small scoop of the candied carrots), I had 3 slices of turkey, a small scoop of mashed potatoes, one whole wheat bun, a (large) scoop (or two) of the stuffing (Steve makes a great freaking stuffing), a spoonful of gravy and two large spoonfuls of cranberries. That is how I measured my Turkey Dinner; in spoonfuls, scoops and slices. I had one plate, it was delicious, I didn't want to die of stomach pain after, and I felt good about the choices I made. Although far from a perfect dinner and perfect measuring, it was a huge (and perfect) step in a good direction for me. Most turkey dinners consist of me starving myself the whole day of, then eating two plates, stuffing myself until I can't walk. It would then consist of me going to pass out on the couch because of a stomach ache. Tonight, after eating, I felt great, I didn't feel sick, I didn't go lay down and I did all the dishes...by hand (and I didn't even mind).

A very huge thank you to Jeff, Nat and Steve for a) helping me make the healthiest turkey dinner I've ever eaten, b) Encouraging me to stay on track as much as possible and c) feeding me oranges when I really wanted the spicy Doritos.

xoxo

It's just emotion taking me over

Yesterday I got into an argument with someone very close to me. It wasn't even an argument really, they just avoided my texts and phone calls. This person is an alcoholic. This person means the world to me. After avoiding my texts and phone calls all day, they finally picked up when I called at 8:30 last night. They picked up, only to hang up on me without saying a word. I was thrilled. This is not the reaction most people would have upon being ignored, then hung up on by someone dear to them, but I'm not most people, and this isn't a normal relationship. I was thrilled because that meant this person was still alive.
I could make a living off feeling guilty. I could make a killing off making myself sick with worry over things not in my control. I could kill myself doing both those things as well.
My first reaction after realizing that I was happy about being ignored because that meant this person hadn't hurt themselves, was to grab a chocolate bar and a bag of Smart Food popcorn, settle into my brand new leather couch, and eat myself into a fat coma. Instead I went to bed and cried.
It's about time I stop hiding my emotions behind a 150lbs of fat. It's about time that I face my problems and deal with them head on. It's about time that I make myself accountable for the way I look and feel. It's easy to blame others when your in denial. I pride myself on being able to connect to others on an emotional level, but it's time I stop letting other people's emotions run (and ruin) my life.
I promised I would be as honest as I could in this blog, and I keep that promise to you all by telling you what I couldn't even admit to myself. I am fat because I let emotion rule my life. I will be healthy because today is the day that I start to rule my emotions.
I will not feel guilty.
I will not make myself sick over things I cannot control.
I will not blame myself for others bad choices.
I will be healthy.
I will be happy.
I will live.

I'll be your teacher; I'll show you the ropes.

I didn't eat the chocolate almonds! ...I ate a Snickers instead. Gag me! I wasn't hungry. I wasn't in an emotional high or low. I was bored. Boredom gets me every time! This work week has been so slow, and it makes it hard not to pig out on the evil little snacks here. Even though I'm embarrassed about eating the Snickers (mainly because I have to now tell you all about it...), I'm proud that I'm admitting it to you. I'm also proud that I added it into my eating journal and counted it in the amount of calories I ate yesterday. A few days ago I wouldn't have done that. I would have pretended that I didn't eat it, then I would have gotten mad at the scale when I didn't lose (or, god forbid, gained) weight.

Has anyone heard the story about the 600lb, 42 year old woman from New Jersey whose life goal is to reach 1000lbs within the next two years? Her 'plan' is to eat a minimum of 12,000 calories a day and move as little as possible. If she makes it to 1000lbs, she will 'successfully' take the award for the heaviest woman alive (alive being the operative word). It makes me unbearably sad that society's search for the 'perfect body' has not only pushed men and women into being anorexic and bulimic, but has also sent eating disorders skyrocketing in the opposite direction. It seems ridiculous to me that with all the knowledge we have as civilized, educated North Americans, that our society still pushes fad diets and extreme measures to lose weight. We make uncivilized choices when it comes to our health. Pills, needles, surgeries, starvation, throwing up, binging, measuring and weighing every single thing we eat every single day. Minus the surgery, this has been my life for the last 14 years. You'd think that by doing all that I'd be stick thin. Not the case (clearly), in fact, it has pushed me so far in the other direction that sometimes I wish I had the nerve to go through with the surgery. How much more can we push people to be 'perfect' before we end up making our whole nation sick? Just a little 'food' for thought...

You'll Have to Excuse Me, I'm Not at My Best

Sam and I are planning a Wine and Cheese party at my place for sometime in the spring, we got together last night to plan it, and instead, we talked about everything but wine and cheese! I made her and Ericka a deliciously healthy dinner of chicken fajitas with a fruit platter for dessert! I felt kind of bad feeding them fruit for dessert since it's me trying to lose weight, not them but they seemed to enjoy it enough. I ate really well yesterday. The only thing I did that wasn't good (and I know Amy will kill me if she finds out) was that I had only a banana for breakfast. My goal for the rest of the week is to have a filling, healthy breakfast with fruit, whole grains, protein, a fat and a milk product. When I was training with Amy she constantly told me that I needed to eat more for breakfast. In fact, for two weeks straight I listened to her, and I lost 13 pounds. Then (because I'm self destructive) I decided to stop...I gained all 13lbs back in less than a month. A proper breakfast for me is 1/2 cup of milk (milk product), 2 slices whole grain toast (grains), 1-2tbsp peanut butter (fat & protein) and an apple (fruit). When you think about it, that's a lot of food. It's taken me a long time to realize that more isn't bad. More of the right foods and less of the junk, that's what I need to concentrate on.

This morning two idiots got into an accident in my parking lot. Some lady tried to pass a garbage truck, I guess the truck driver didn't see her, because he then proceeded to plow into her and drag her through the parking lot. Since I was stuck in the parking lot for a while, Nat and Steve invited me over for breakfast. They have got to be the funniest people ever. They actually feed me food every single day. If we can't make it over for dinner, Natalie will pop up at our door with dishes of pasta, stuffed peppers or some delicious Lebanese food I can't pronounce. Jeff and I decided that, since our cooking 'forte' is in barbecuing, we are going to have them over in the summer to make up for the hundreds of dollars they've spent on us this winter.

Someone brought chocolate almonds into work to sell....they are speaking to me. I am trying to ignore them. Chocolate almonds are not a healthy option....Chocolate almonds are not a healthy option...

Frosted Cookies from Vankleek Hill

After I finished my filling (yet cheesecake-less) lunch, my lovely cousin called to tell me she was coming into Barrhaven for the afternoon and wanted to know if she could stay at my place until I got home. Instead, I played hooky and left work to go meet her. We didn't do much, just went to Home Depot for a bit then came back home, but Lacey is one of those people where every time you see them, you remember why you love them so much! I wasn't sure if I was going to continue this blog, let alone post it for the world to see, but Lacey convinced me it was a good thing to do. She said that not only was it going to encourage me (by holding me accountable for what I eat), but that it would also help anyone else going through this (or any) lifelong struggle. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be writing this today...I mainly wouldn't be writing this today because last night I screwed up. :( I'm embarrassed about what I ate, and normally, would hide it (at all costs) from my family and friends... from the world. It's an important step in a new direction for me to admit to people what I'm eating. For supper I decided to eat 'really well' (and by well I mean, starving myself by eating extremely small amounts) and eat just crackers and cheese for supper. Of course, about an hour later I was starving so I had a bowl of Smart Food Popcorn (which is the death of me) and three spring rolls from Costco. While that filled me up, that also got me into 'snacking' mode. So while pacing around my living room, trying not to eat us out of house and home, I got a text message from our neighbour saying their two lovely little girls made us delicious frosted cookies at their grandmothers house this past weekend, and they wanted to know if I could come pick them up. I really didn't want to because I knew I was going to come home and eat them, but I didn't want to hurt their feelings either. So I shrugged into my winter coat, slipped on my flip flops (yes, flip flops, you'll learn that anytime after March 1st, I boycott winter and start wearing flip flops) and headed over. After giving the girls a big hug and a thank you, I came back home. The whole way home I talked myself into not eating the cookies...then the second I walked in the door, I ate one. After eating it, I felt nauseous. Did I really just do that? Did I really just spend the last 5 minutes telling myself NOT to eat it, then walk in the door and shove it down my throat? Weary of myself and suddenly bone tired, I went to bed.

This morning I woke up with a little bit of a different attitude. I decided that I was going to write everything down in this blog, whether it be embarrassing or not, and get my life on track. I am an addict. While my addiction isn't going to cause me to drive drunk, overdose, gamble our life savings away or end up like Tiger. It will increase my risks of heart disease, type 2 diabetes and cancer. It will decrease my life span, and the years that I am alive will be limited. If I keep this up I won't ever be happy. I might never be able to have kids (and if I do I might end up like those women on "I didn't know I was pregnant", which would be worse). One day I might not be be able to fit on rides at Disney. While all these are "maybes" and "mights", I'm no longer willing to take a chance with my life. I am going to lose weight. I am going to get healthy. I am going to post this blog for the world to see. God help me! :)